Because I want to

My best answer to life's most difficult and fundamental questions

Why? Why, oh why? What’s the point? Why bother? Why care?

To say I had a bit of an existential crisis today, doesn’t quite hit the mark, doesn’t quite hit the blackness of the mood that descended as exhaustion came crashing down, probably brought on by yesterday’s migraine.

There's no point to anybody's existence.

All the reasons people state for doing anything, for caring, are constructs of their minds, maybe even just of their brains catering to the needs of their minds.

But isn’t that a good thing? Doesn’t it mean that you get to decide your purpose?

Then again, does life even have to have a purpose?

It helps to think it has to.

And it definitely helps to believe your life has a purpose (even if you haven’t decided what it is yet).

It gives you a reason to exert the effort required to do whatever you need to do to fulfill that purpose. And that’s a good, if not the best, way to keep yourself out of existential despair.

Is it really all that black?

Does it mean that moving / working toward a purpose — something desirable — is little more than a construct to stay away from questioning whether there's any point in staying alive?

I've got plenty of reasons to stay alive.

Nina my dog, the cats, my close and not so close neighbors, my friends, my family — even in all their inability to see me for who I am — the people I have and will impact.

But when the why questions ambush me, it’s easy to forget about them and all that.

Why questions are inherently unanswerable in any meaningful or satisfactory way.

Because every answer you come up with again begs the question “why is that?”

This may well be the reason that "why" questions are less than helpful — even in a 5-whys context to get to a root cause, but I’ll leave that for another sidenote — and they are actually quite dangerous for people prone to depression.

Not that I’m depressed. Far from it, although having stopped anti-depressants I was taking for another reason, hasn’t made staying out of one any easier.

Throw in the "who am I to think that I matter and can matter in other people's lives?" on top of those why questions and you’ve mixed yourself a powerful potion to darkness.

Why care?

Why anything?

Why care about anything?

Because I'm human and not a chicken.
Because I was born on a Wednesday (I wasn't).
Because my eyes are blue (they aren't).

As I already mentioned: why questions do not have meaningful or satisfying answers.

Maybe this is the reason many people seek and find solace in religion.

It provides them answers to otherwise unanswerable why questions and actively discourages questioning those answers (at least with more why questions).

And it’s probably why losing your religion (thanks, REM) constitutes a major existential crisis.

And what if religion is not, never was, your thing?

What if you don't believe there is a creator or any type of "higher" being or beings to give you a sense of purpose and hold you accountable through promises (threats) of the after life or your karma?

Why then care at all about anything?

The answer can seem simple.

Because not caring is not an option.

Why keep pushing one when life throws you curve and spit balls? Why not just thrown in the towel? Why keep trying?

Because giving up is not an option. Quite apart from the fact that in my case, my brain won't let me anyway because it'll always give me more avenues to pursue.

Sound good do they, these “not an option” answers?

Not really.

They only serve to cut of further thinking, to stifle the discussion, even if that’s only with yourself. That’s ok, if and only if, you already have the answer to:

“Why (yes, there’s that pesky why again) are not caring and not persisting not an option?”

I’ve found only one satisfactory answer that defies and de-stings all why questions.

One that lets you tap into your want power.

Want power that is far more powerful than any willpower can ever be — but that’s for another sidenote.

That one answer is “Because I want to.”

Why care? Because I want to. Because caring makes me feel a whole lot better than not caring.

Why do anything? Because I want to. Because I like having a positive impact on others, even if that's just putting a smile on their face in response to mine.

Why do anything if it upsets other people but matters to you? Because I want to. Because even when someone takes me and what I do in a negative way, it still means I have an impact. How they use it, is up to them. Hopefully, they'll use their reaction to me to learn something about themselves that'll have a lasting positive impact on them and those around them, but whether they do is beyond my control.

Why keep trying? Even when life keeps throwing you curve and spit balls? And when a diagnosis or other evidence that tells you things will never become any easier? Because I want to. Because I want to increase the chance, the opportunity, that what I do will impact someone sometime — maybe long after my death — in a way that'll improve their life and through that the lives of everyone around them.

Paying it forward. Because I want to.