How to stop hurrying when you're always late

and frazzled and self-recriminating because of it

Nina in a hurry. Image by Ron Baltus

Are you always in a hurry? Not only when you're pressed for time but also when — when think about it, at least — have nowhere to be and nothing to do with any amount of urgency?

Are you always in a hurry? Because it's (become) your default mindset? Your default way of being and doing?

Are you always in a hurry? Almost like you have to do everything as fast and efficiently as possible. Where you may even spend a lot of time figuring out how to do something most efficiently and end up beating the object of the exercise?

I used to be like that.

And I still fall prey to that mindset quite often, but now I catch myself earlier.

Good (?) reasons for hurrying

I was always in a hurry for at least 4 reasons:

1. Fast & furious tickles my ADHD'er.

2. I forgot appointments — even on the day after having been reminded about them in some way — and only remembered them with not quite enough time to get there (walking, biking, or driving).

3. I underestimate the time I need to get somewhere — even when I started using routeplanner software to find the best route that grossly overestimated the time it would take (way, way, way before Google Maps and other navigator applications).

4. I abhor the mundane so want to spend as little time as possible on it.

I contend that the first and last are good reasons to hurry. Even if they still contribute to hurrying’s ill effects. The middle ones definitely are not.

Memory, nay recall woes

My forgetting things might have you wondering whether I'm just getting forgetful at the ripe old age of 63 and a bit.

Well, no.

I've been like that since long before ageism would question my memory function.

And, no, there wasn't and isn't anything wrong with my memory. My memory is perfectly fine. Recall can be a bit patchy, though.

Not because I can't recall something (although that's beginning to be a thing with words - know the one I want in one language, can't for the life of me recall the equivalent in the one I’m currently using), but because my mind is busy with/focused on something else, gets engrossed, and forgets about everything else (the Ds in ADHD are misnomers, there's no deficit and it's not a disorder).

Three kitten sisters I rescued from freezing to death and ended up keeping.

Rescue by calendar

My calendar, consistently using it, has saved me from the wrath of many for as long as I can remember — or rather for as long as I have been using one (and that’s been ages).

More so, when I stopped being an employee and my "irregular" appointments increased. Regular appointments being things like the (bi-)weekly dog school, woodworking, fitness, hunt training and detection or taiko, or any monthly engagements like the dinner date with my neighbors.

Still, putting my appointments on my calendar, didn’t always save me.

I'd still leave too late and 'd have to hurry to be on time.

At one point, don't recall (ha!) when, I decided I was done with hurrying.

Hurrying made me feel lousy and frazzled, and frustrated with anyone who’d dare thwart my efforts to still get somewhere on time. Not a nice place to be in.

Apps too good for comfort

One luminous idea later, I adopted the practice to block off travel time.

Actually, the reason for it was starting to use an online appointment scheduler and needing to block my travel time from being booked.

Not enough either, though.

Despite the fact I had already always added 10 minutes or so to contend with any unexpected congestion, I'd still be pressed for time.

Because I'd forget to account for the time it takes to park — including finding a spot — and walk from where I parked to where I need to be.

Google Maps and other navigation apps getting more accurate with their journey time estimates, wasn't a blessing. I'd been saved many times by the margins by which they used to inflate travel times.

No longer.

Predator preying on my margins

Oh, and then there's the question of what the time I put on my calendar means.

It was the time I should put my car in gear and move off.

More often than not, however, I'd postpone getting up off the couch or from behind my desk until then. Yep, that’s procrastination on switching activities.

With the unfortunate side effect of reducing the margin I'd allowed.

And if I'd have to look for — including ‘think of’ — what I needed to take with me, it evaporated entirely.

Gaa!

Knowledge is powerless

I knew what to do, but doing it is another matter. Let alone doing it consistently.

That's because making new habits stick is a challenge for any ADHD brain.

So, I'm getting better but still not fully consistent in applying my advice-to-self.

That said, I do enjoy not hurrying a lot. So much so, that it is enough incentive to figure in the extra time most of the time.

Even despite doing so means realizing everything, especially the mundane bits, takes incredibly long, too long, too boringly long.

So long, in fact, it rubs my nose in the naked truth that I can't do everything I'd like to.

How's that for a reality check: I can't do everything I'd like to.

Not because I'm incapable, but because everything takes longer than I imagine (everyone has that planning bias, but ADHD'ers have a warped sense of time and tend to overestimate what they can accomplish — i.e. underestimate how long something takes — even more than neurotypicals).

Just like having more ideas than I could possibly execute on even if I had 30 lifetimes (which wouldn’t help, because I’d also have 30 lifetimes worth of more ideas).

Ouch.

On the other hand, that realization helped me get to grips with and over my resistance to what I need to do to avoid the frazzle of always hurrying.

So, here's the culmination of years of roller coasting between hurrying and not hurrying, figuring it out and putting it into practice.

Nina sitting calmly on a fallen tree. Image by Ron Baltus.

3 Steps to clarity and never having to hurry again

So, [in case you're | when I'm] wondering what to take into account when deciding when to leave get up off the couch, here's my process and checklist.

1. Put whatever engagement you agree to on your calendar, immediately.

   Yes, immediately. Leaving it until later increases the likelihood I'll forget. Both putting it there and the engagement itself. Plus, with our calendars on our phones nowadays, it'd be silly to wait, anyway.

2. As soon as possible, calculate your outward and return trip travel time: the time you need to get from where you are to where you want to go.

   For the outward travel time, I now add up:

   1. A margin to gather — and find — what I want and need to take with me. I tend to allow ~5 minutes for that.

   2. Time for Nina's¹ toilet break before setting off.

   3. My "pure" travel time, either from experience or using a navigation app.

   4. A margin to contend with unexpected travel conditions (congestion, detours,...). I usually add ~10 minutes.

   5. Time to find a parking spot and park.

   6. Time to walk from where I parked to where I want to be.

   For the return trip, I simply subtract the time to gather my stuff and finding a parking spot and add a margin if an engagement is likely (has a reputation) to run over.

3. Add another calendar item to reflect your total "away" time.

   Obviously, this item starts "outward travel time" before the time of your appointment, and lasts until "return trip time" after the end of it.

   Using a different calendar item helps me stay clear on what the time and duration of the appointment are and how much time I have allowed for other stuff.

Using these steps, you’ll never again have to hurry as the start time of the second item tells you exactly when to get up off the couch!

Pro tip #1: Gather earlier

Check your calendar in the morning and do the gathering then so you don't have to go hunting for something when you're already "on the clock" and any set backs in finding it would eat into your margins.

You decide whether to substract the gathering time from your outward trip, or — my preference — use it as extra margin and enjoy a couple of minutes to "land" after your journey: to transition from traveling into what you'll be doing.

Enjoying that benefit prompted me to doing my gathering earlier and earlier, even for regular events. Like the tail wagging academy (our dog school) every Sunday.

It's one of the few activities for which the next tip doesn't work as I use the items involved for other fun as well.

Pro tip #2: Keep it gathered

Reduce gathering time to zero by keeping things gathered.

Nowadays, I have bags, transparent containers, or foldable crates where I keep everything I need for a specific activities. So I can simply pick it up and carry it to my car in the "zen" realization that I won't be forgetting anything.

Like my taiko bag which contains

• my bachi (drum sticks) bag,

• my water bottles (taiko drumming Yamato style is a full body workout, though we sometimes get to bask in less energy consuming classes),

• deodorant (in case I'm going to eat with friends afterwards),

• sandpaper (in case a sliver of wood comes off and leaves a bachi liable to damage the taiko skin),

• painkiller (in case a migraine was just under the radar and becomes worse with exercise, as they tend to do).

When I have to take something out — to rinse my water bottle, for example — I put it back in right after. Filling it before I leave, falls under "gathering stuff".

Sofie, Nina’s predecessor, totally relaxed in a contorted position on our couch.

Be real, do less, and enjoy hurry-less living

I still don't like the fact that I can't do everything I'd like to.

But I no longer cram in as much as possible in the time I have — which, by the way, is exactly the same amount of time everyone has.

And I tremendously enjoy that I no longer feel frazzled and exhausted as a rule.

Accepting that I can't do everything I'd like to, also means I no longer have to try and I no longer have to feel incompetent or lazy, or chastise myself for not doing what I (still) thought I'd be able to fit in.

Try it! I can't recommend it enough.

Mine isn’t a perfect solution. Nor will it necessarily work “as is” for you. So, adapt it to your needs. Experiment your way to success — what success means for you.

Oh, and please do share how you stopped hurrying long before I published this sidenote, or how you get on now that you've read it.

1. Nina is my lovely, exasperating, courageous, hyper, fun, obedient, indomitable, and more black Field Trial Labrador Lady.