This was fun and interesting, even to someone who thinks that he is not in the least neurodivergent (is that a sign that I am or that I’m not?), but who is quite capable of finding fault in far too many places, mine and others’. My wife and I were having a debate about the phrases we use as self-criticism. I sometimes use “I’m an idiot,” but only for the most trivial of mistakes, whereas she would only use “I’m an idiot” if she really fouled up (and prefers never to use the phrase at all.) But I do find that when I really need to bring myself up short, I do use my first name, as in “Tom, you really need to ...”
Nah, if you think you're not the least bit neurodivergent, you probably aren't.
I always knew I was far from typical. Then again, it never crossed my mind that my non-typicalness was an actual, recognized, and named divergence in how my brain is wired.
Your wife is wise. Self-criticism hurts. In more ways than one. Best to put an end to it.
Doesn't mean to close your eyes to what can be improved, but does mean to take the judgment out of the equation and shift your focus to what you (or someone else) did well.
One strategy I’ve implemented is very similar, but is based on my study of the Enneagram. I notice aspects of my personality (characterized by numbers 1-9 and 3instincts) that pop up and I name them. Internal critic is something like: “there goes my 1-wing again.” I’m not sure I tell it to shut up, but generally just recognizing and naming it is extremely helpful.
Interesting. Thanks, Sarah! Recognizing when your inner critic or any other self-talk mode, pipes up (too loudly) and naming it, is key. Telling it to shut up is not critical, but I've found it very helpful to create more distance between me and my thoughts and to stay out of self-blame (self-criticism, ha!) over being so self-critical.
I have more of an inner worrier than a critic. I am leaning towards naming her Nora the nuisance. She's a right nuisance and wakes me up, then doesn't let me go back to sleep. I am forced to read trashy novels to get rid of her. Maybe I will start shouting at her, except that will make me feel bad too.
Ow, that's such a recognizable voice! Mine doesn't worry that much - as in imagining all manner of undesirable scenarios - but goes into overdrive generating ideas and to dos to stop anything going wrong. Tiring me out not just by not letting me go (back) to sleep but also by the mere thought of everything it comes up with that I am supposed to add to my to do list.
I like your Nora the Nuisance. Bit long for me personally. What about Noxious Nora?
This was fun and interesting, even to someone who thinks that he is not in the least neurodivergent (is that a sign that I am or that I’m not?), but who is quite capable of finding fault in far too many places, mine and others’. My wife and I were having a debate about the phrases we use as self-criticism. I sometimes use “I’m an idiot,” but only for the most trivial of mistakes, whereas she would only use “I’m an idiot” if she really fouled up (and prefers never to use the phrase at all.) But I do find that when I really need to bring myself up short, I do use my first name, as in “Tom, you really need to ...”
Nah, if you think you're not the least bit neurodivergent, you probably aren't.
I always knew I was far from typical. Then again, it never crossed my mind that my non-typicalness was an actual, recognized, and named divergence in how my brain is wired.
Your wife is wise. Self-criticism hurts. In more ways than one. Best to put an end to it.
Doesn't mean to close your eyes to what can be improved, but does mean to take the judgment out of the equation and shift your focus to what you (or someone else) did well.
Great advice, Marjan!
One strategy I’ve implemented is very similar, but is based on my study of the Enneagram. I notice aspects of my personality (characterized by numbers 1-9 and 3instincts) that pop up and I name them. Internal critic is something like: “there goes my 1-wing again.” I’m not sure I tell it to shut up, but generally just recognizing and naming it is extremely helpful.
Interesting. Thanks, Sarah! Recognizing when your inner critic or any other self-talk mode, pipes up (too loudly) and naming it, is key. Telling it to shut up is not critical, but I've found it very helpful to create more distance between me and my thoughts and to stay out of self-blame (self-criticism, ha!) over being so self-critical.
I have more of an inner worrier than a critic. I am leaning towards naming her Nora the nuisance. She's a right nuisance and wakes me up, then doesn't let me go back to sleep. I am forced to read trashy novels to get rid of her. Maybe I will start shouting at her, except that will make me feel bad too.
Ow, that's such a recognizable voice! Mine doesn't worry that much - as in imagining all manner of undesirable scenarios - but goes into overdrive generating ideas and to dos to stop anything going wrong. Tiring me out not just by not letting me go (back) to sleep but also by the mere thought of everything it comes up with that I am supposed to add to my to do list.
I like your Nora the Nuisance. Bit long for me personally. What about Noxious Nora?
She's definitely noxious!!