Sh! I've never set out to change
Am I doomed to remain the same person forever?
The lesson most people take from the story about the Mexican Fisherman and the American Banker1: Understand what you want and pursue it directly.
Nathan Barry thinks we (!) get that wrong.
It’s not the destination but the journey that matters.
That you deprive yourself of growth and transformation if you take shortcuts to a destination. That you’ll struggle at your destination for the lack of that experience.
Hmm.
No shortcuts?
He has a point when it comes to instant fame or wealth — like winning the lottery, or gaining “overnight” fame at a young age. These can put you in a position you may not be equipped to handle.
But how is “understand what you want and pursue it directly” a shortcut?
And is it guaranteed that you’ll struggle taking a shortcut? You may already have done your growing and transforming.
And how is setting a massive goal so the journey there “truly changes you” anything but a hit and miss venture unless you travel with your desired transformation in mind?
Like the 100 million revenue goal Nathan Barry set for ConvertKit “to overcome real challenges that I believe will shape me […], I’ll be a better father, teammate, leader, husband, and friend.”
There’s absolutely no guarantee it will.
But let’s leave him to it and go to what I really question about his message.
The gist of Nathan Barry’s message
He closes his article with:
The beliefs I hear in that:
We should desire transformation — to be a different person at the end of our lives.
We need journeys to truly change (transform).
We need a big hairy goal for the journey to be transformative.
And that’s just bollocks.
Maybe I read him wrong, but let’s look into these.
Should we desire transformation?
“Nope. Well, maybe.”
The “nope” is for change for change’s sake. Seeking transformation because we’d otherwise stay the same.
What’s wrong with that?
Not telling you to be complacent about it, but can’t I be satisfied with who I am?
Nathan Barry didn’t seek just any change, either!
So, by all means seek change and transformation if you like, but don’t do it only so at the end of your life you can say you’re a different person from when you were born.
And that’s the reason for the “Well, maybe.”
Definitely seek change and transformation
when you’re not satisfied with how you show up, for yourself and others.
when you’re not satisfied with your circumstances.
Changing either generally requires improving and adding skills, as well as changes in perspective and leveling up your interpersonal skills — the who you are bit.
Do we need journeys to change?
“Nope.”
Sure, a challenging journey will transform you, absolutely.
But that doesn’t mean the reverse is true: that you need a journey to transform.
Any experience that affects you — whether that’s mentally, emotionally, or physically — has the power to transform you. And it can happen in an instant.
For example
With an instant shift in perspective2 on a situation that rattles or soothes you.
When long held beliefs are challenged and overturned.
When you come close to or observe death and destruction.
I can personally attest to the transformational effect of having your nose rubbed in your own mortality. That truly changes you whether you want to or not. It changes your perspective on life, as well as your personality and identity3.
All in the blink of an eye.
Okay, it may take a little longer to sink in. But still not a journey.
Do we need big hairy goals to truly change?
“Nope.”
You don’t need goals to truly change and transform, never mind big hairy ones4 that take you on a transformative journey.
Research5 has shown you’ll change, even if you believe you won’t or can’t.
Asked whether they’ll change in the next 10 years, most answer “No, I don’t think so.”
Yet, everyone does:
Asked whether they’re the same as 10 years ago, everyone says “No, of course not!”
And that’s perfectly fine!
It’s okay if you don’t set out to change. You’ll change anyway. And it’s okay to only notice how you’ve changed, in hindsight. You can only connect the dots looking back, anyway as Steve Jobs said.
What’s a girl (or a guy) to take from all this?
Take your pick. I’m a coach. Not a consultant.
The Mexican Fisherman would tell you: “know what truly matters to you and live your life accordingly. Listen to other people’s opinions on how to live a good life, but never feel you need to follow suit.”6
In other words, pull a Frankie7: go about life your way.
But do challenge yourself!
Why challenge yourself?
Because it’s fun!
Yes, truly.
Set some fun goals that scare you a little. You’ll feel more alive. And that sure as hell beats the “same old, same old.” By many miles!
(Obviously, unless “same” is what floats your boat.)
Because it’s rewarding.
There’s nothing like the dopamine rush when you overcome a good challenge.
Whether that’s accomplishing something you weren’t certain you could or taking action despite fear (aka courage).
Because it’s the only way out of the status quo.
While anything for that thing’s sake is tends to be futile (except having fun), you need to change what you do and possibly who you are, if you want to change your lot.
Who said something like “Do what you always did and you’ll get what you always got.”? No, not Tony Robbins, though he adopted it with gusto8.
Or: “Doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.” No, not Einstein9.
Have some fun, enjoy the journey
Go about your life as you would anyway. Set goals that are meaningful to you. Acquire new and improve existing skills to achieve what you want out of life. Personally and professionally.
Don’t put yourself through a wringer just to ensure you won’t be the same person at the end of your life as you were when you were thrown into it.
Remember: living your life will change you whether you like it or not. And a bit of serendipity can be deliciously fun and rewarding too.
You can’t avoid changing and transforming.
That is, unless
you hide under a rock and actively avoid all challenges life throws at you.
you suffer from dogmatic rigidity.10
Live long and prosper.
Marjan
Original story is “Anekdote zur Senkung der Arbeitsmoral“ by Heinrich Böll.
Personality isn’t permanent. Benjamin Hardy wrote the eponymous book and wrote an article for Psychology Today on it.
Example: Kid rampaging on a metro. A woman staring at her feet. Looking up, she meets the glaring eyes of a guy sitting across from her. “Please, excuse him. We’re on our way back from hospital. He’s just lost his father.”
Big hairy goals can inspire and paralyze. More on that in another sidenote (maybe).
Sorry, no link. I read it so long ago I don’t remember where.
Deep down, you know what truly matters to you. As a coach I love guiding you to get it to the surface and to let go of the “shoulds” you had instilled in your youth that no longer fit.
Like Frank Sinatra sings in My Way Frankie is how Bon Jovi referred to him in It’s My Life.
Google gets (or got) it wrong too according to Quote Investigator.
Often attributed to Einstein, but, that attribution occurred decades after his demise. Rita Mae Brown wrote the original phrase. The idea itself can be traced back to the 19th century.
But if you’re reading and enjoying 42 Sidenotes, I’d wager you don’t.
Transforming for the sake of transforming sounds kind of like a rug maker who inserts a flaw to avoid being too 'Godlike'. We're all faced with conflict and adversity daily, and change tends to occur organically from that. I do think we should try to stop avoiding change, but as you said (very effectively!), the meaning is not in the change itself.
Never! We all change all the time. Even if you don't want to change, you change because everything changes around you. And time takes its tithes and tolls even if you would prefer to decline.