When someone asked me: "Who are you anyway?"

A story about accepting

“Who are you anyway?” someone at the other end of a WhatsApp voice call asked.

My jaw dropped in amazement. Dumbstruck, I didn’t utter a word.

“Yes, well, I can only see a picture of a dog and your name. We’re all going on a trip together and I want to know who is going with me. So, who are you?”

Loud, impatient, pushy.

A good way to get up my nose at any time.

And asking who I am when you haven’t even introduced yourself yet, well, then you’ve just succeeded in getting me to dig in my heels. I don’t recall exactly how the conversation proceeded after that, but it wasn’t smooth and I’m pretty sure Elly didn’t get what she wanted from me.

The trip she mentioned was to Japan, to the birthplace of Yamato the Drummers of Japan: Asuka in the Nara prefecture. It’s known as the birthplace of Japan itself¹. We were going to assist and possibly perform at a festival with 50 to 70 members of the Yamato Taiko School (YTS).

While Elly wanted to know everyone, that desire wasn’t mutual for many. She was odd at the best of times, and a strange mix of abrasive and kind at others.

During Taiko classes, it wasn’t such an issue.

Everyone at YTS, the ones that stayed longer than a month or two, is odd in one way or another. It’s a “you don’t have to be crazy to enjoy this, but it helps” kinda thing.

Also, in class, it’s very clear who’s in charge and what is and is not acceptable.

What did become an issue though, was Elly’s tendency to impose herself on others.

Not because she liked to be obnoxious or impose herself. She was naively oblivious to the possibility that someone might consider what she did or wanted to do an imposition or inappropriate.

For example, in Asuka, Elly showed up at the guesthouse where about half of us were staying. She was so convinced everyone would be happy to let her pitch her tent in the garden, she simply walked in and started to unpack it.

Grumbling ensued. So much so that our teacher at the time, one of the Yamato members who’d come to the Netherlands to start YTS, intervened.

He called Elly a free spirit.

And reminded us that YTS welcomes everyone and accepts everyone as they are.

Including free spirits like Elly.

Wow.

And: ouch!

YTS is still the first place in my life where I felt entirely accepted and free to be me.

Within YTS I could² express myself without fear of judgment. I could enjoy Taiko even when I sucked sometimes or my body couldn’t move as I wanted. And I could expect and enjoy support from some of the best Taiko drummers in the world as long as I applied myself.

And I’m not the only one who’s experienced or commented about it.

The unconditional acceptance was and still is a great hallmark of YTS.

Even for performances, requests for “only your best players” are generally denied. In my ten years at YTS I think only 3 of them were granted.

As much as we all enjoyed being accepted by and at YTS, and we are pretty good at accepting each other as we are, in Japan we failed to accept Elly as she is.

The message our teacher reminded us of in Japan:

To be accepted as you are,
accept others as they are.

It’s stuck with me ever since. Loud and clear. And I do my best to honor it.

That’s not easy. Not at all.

It requires non-judgment and staying out of judgment is nigh impossible for any human. But it is entirely possible to recognize when you’re in judgment and stop yourself from expressing it.

1. The village of Asuka, Japan: https://japanandmore.com/asuka-japan/

2. Past tense because the Yamato performing members who taught us initially, left. And because I’ve recently stopped playing Taiko. That I kept at it for 10 years, when most hobbies last around five, says a lot about what it meant to me.